I am considering moving away, bringing in some big change in my life and starting over somewhere. Do I need to? Maybe no. But do I want to? Yes. I want to. I want to get out of the house and do something. And the place where I live is limiting in that regard. I cannot simply go out and do something. I cannot go out and roam around, I cannot go out and travel alone. I am just so dependent on others, my friends and family. But I want freedom. I want to feel in charge of where my life is heading, and sleeping in my parents’ apartment, handed food in my hand in my room by my mom, is not the way to go. It is not bad in my country to live with your parents but I think there is a reason why west came up with the term of moving out. Because the process of moving out and fending for yourself is what gives you ultimate power, what makes you responsible. It is scary, yes. Will I feel lonely? Will I feel afraid? Will I get tired of doing so much work for my livelihood? Yes I guess so. But don’t I feel lonely already even when I am with friends and family, when sometimes I am not able to completely express myself? Don’t I still feel afraid when I feel my life is going nowhere, that I am a loser? Don’t I feel bad that my mom has to do manual work on my behalf because I live under her roof? So it makes sense to start over, right? Hopefully it will transform my life, or atleast me as a person, in a good way. Is this post a way to seek validation and assurance from others on my decision? Yes it is. But despite how much validation we may seek from others, we kind of always know internally what we really want to do. And this time I feel like I really want this.
Living alone was one of the dreams that I never knew I had. Living with friends, F.R.I.E.N.D.S taught me, was an even better dream to have. This living alone time came and flew away so quickly, I hardly got time to grasp it all. And here I am, thinking back and wondering if it’s ever going to happen again.
I am about to complete one year since the time I came to visit home for 2 months, and I mentioned this to every person who asked me because I needed a constant reminder that I am not done with Hyderabad yet, that I’m gonna go back. 2 months turned to 3 to 4 and then reality struck that going back is not happening so soon. I left that city for good, while not even getting a chance to go back and say goodbye.
This city, perfectly balanced between happening and laid back, safe enough to never let me feel I cannot go somewhere because I am a girl, and empowering me in the process, will always remain special in my heart. Letting me make new friends, and helping in re-kindling old faded friendships, teaching to stay alone even in a crowd and also somehow making me feel whole when I used to be alone, this city has given me all kinds of days; good, bad, happy and sad.
From a timid college fresher, always second guessing herself and asking for reassurances, to a grown up, helping others fight the same battle; looking from this other end of the spectrum reminds me of the innocent and scared person I used to be. But I cannot separate that person from this city because that’s where that person used to live. I am afraid that going back is never going to be the same (if it happens), because people, relationships, situations, and even I would have changed. I do look forward to more challenges that are gonna come in front of me, and I know I am a more mature person than I used to be to face them. But goodbyes are always difficult. Here’s to the goodbye I never got to say, and one which I would like to say, even if I go back.
To the experiences I had, and the ones I couldn't,
To the person I was, and the one into whom I grew,
Hyderabad I miss you.
And I miss myself along with you !