I am considering moving away, bringing in some big change in my life and starting over somewhere. Do I need to? Maybe no. But do I want to? Yes. I want to. I want to get out of the house and do something. And the place where I live is limiting in that regard. I cannot simply go out and do something. I cannot go out and roam around, I cannot go out and travel alone. I am just so dependent on others, my friends and family. But I want freedom. I want to feel in charge of where my life is heading, and sleeping in my parents’ apartment, handed food in my hand in my room by my mom, is not the way to go. It is not bad in my country to live with your parents but I think there is a reason why west came up with the term of moving out. Because the process of moving out and fending for yourself is what gives you ultimate power, what makes you responsible. It is scary, yes. Will I feel lonely? Will I feel afraid? Will I get tired of doing so much work for my livelihood? Yes I guess so. But don’t I feel lonely already even when I am with friends and family, when sometimes I am not able to completely express myself? Don’t I still feel afraid when I feel my life is going nowhere, that I am a loser? Don’t I feel bad that my mom has to do manual work on my behalf because I live under her roof? So it makes sense to start over, right? Hopefully it will transform my life, or atleast me as a person, in a good way. Is this post a way to seek validation and assurance from others on my decision? Yes it is. But despite how much validation we may seek from others, we kind of always know internally what we really want to do. And this time I feel like I really want this.
I often lay awake at night and wonder, do people look at me, and think that she has it all sorted?
Because in my head, I am clearly doing it all wrong. I look at various other people, and just pick some aspects of their lives which appeal to me and conclude that they are living the best life there is to live.
Some have an amazing partner, and they never had to go through multiple break ups to find them. It’s almost as if they are reaping the benefits of some good karma in another lifetime.
While others have a successful career, they are living in a better country, earning more money and getting far more opportunities to grow.
Others are just happy in what they have, be it less or more. They have some passion that brings them joy, be it travelling, writing, making reels, anything. But they enjoy it so much that they hardly have time to worry about what others are doing, what they themselves are lacking.
And here I am, wondering why I am doing things so wrong that I am not satisfied at all. There is no lack of opportunity for me to achieve any of the above. It’s the courage and the determination where I lag behind. And sometimes, the culprit is not knowing what I really want and the will to go after it.
I feel that many unsaid standards have been set by the world on the quality of life and we are always comparing ourselves against them. The worst part is, these standards keeps on changing, so even if we achieve one thing, tomorrow there would be a new goal in town and our achievement would get obsolete. And because of just following the herd, we often miss out on finding what we really want while trying to keep up with the world.
Also, I am not blind or immature. I know about the truth of social media and what people slow in their stories is far from reality. I know that the lives of others look more rosy from the outside and in their normal every day lives, they are struggling too.
I hope that even my life looks better from the outside and all my inner turmoils aren’t visible.
And so I wonder, do people look at me, and think that she has it all sorted?